Questioning serious boyfriend…?

The question

I stated dating my boyfriend when I was still a senior in high school (18), and he was 21. I must have been too young or unexperienced with finances to see the signs that my boyfriend was struggling with money, but don’t most college students struggle with money? We’ve been dating for a year now, and I am a sophomore in college because of AP transfer credits. I am projected to graduate in spring 2013 ( a year ahead). My boyfriend, on the other hand, has been in school since Fall 2007, and he will not graduate with his Bacholors until 2014 being a full-time student for 7 years to become a secondary math education teacher. He is pretty much completely on his own when it comes to money. He works at a gas station and is constantly struggling to make ends meet, and his parents will irregularly bail him out of a negative account balance… It concerns me that he is having so much difficulty not only finishing school but having serious financial problems. I must have overseen these things before, but now that we are much more serious and talking about a future together, I am weary it will be a long time before he will be able to be financially stable again. I like him and spending time with him, and I know he is a hard worker, but I feel like he is not giving his full effort into his education because even though he has student loans, he has still gave up in classes and recieved F’s before. I’ve talked to him about this, and he says the only reason he really went to college was to get a stable job and because his parents wanted him to. I know he likes automotive, but every time I suggest that would be a fun job or say wouldn’t you like doing that?, he gets upset and tells me not to start talking about it. Maybe he’s just a normal college student, but it just seems like he’s really missing a passion or even a care for his current education path of secondary math education… Can anyone relate or decode what is going on or what should be done?

Best answers:

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Excellent thing your boyfriend is taking math because it isn’t your thing. In another question you are 20 and he is 22.

If he is completely on his own financially with only rare help from his parents who want him to remain in school and get a degree, perhaps with a 25-30 hours a week work schedule he is exhausted. This must make it hard for him at school as well since he is also a full time student with a 3/4 time job schedule.

He may have gotten over his head with some of his commerce courses but that may just be telling him that either he has to work harder or it is not for him. That is his call and not yours.

He wants a degree. In another question you say that he plans to be a teacher. Who knows, he may be able to combine his automotive interests with teaching some day.

If you are upsetting him because you are in fact tearing him in the opposite direction from his original goals – no matter if they were his or those of his family – please honor his wishes and stay out of it. You become part of the problem that way.

You may be right that he is missing a passion for anything. Dread can do that but he is working his way through it despite the fact that you want him to accept failure gracefully. That is not an option for him and unless you plot to be the permanent primary support should the two of you marry, back off. If he fails, he fails but he will learn something about himself from it. This is his struggle to resolve and not yours.

I reckon he may be able to regain some passion once he has really been graduated. He may even choose a different career direction. In the meanwhile, quite throwing his failures in his face and stop pointing out that you have enough credits to get a degree in 3 years, implying that you are somehow better than he is.

If it makes you weary/bored/contemptuous/whatever that it will be a long time before he is financially stable, just remember that there are supposed to be two of you in this link. He may be concerned about that too but this is his time to make his own choices without pressure from you. If you really meant that you were wary of his choices, then perhaps he is not the person for you.

Out of curiosity, are you picking up the check when you guys go out? How are you helping him in ways that make him more comfortable rather than stressed?

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The latest McGraw-Hill FCU Financial Literacy Series seminar, “How to Apply For Student Loans and Learning Grants,” focused on the costs of higher education, strategies for paying tuition, as well as numerous other topics that showed how individuals can send their children to college in an affordable manner. The seminar’s presenter was Ken O’Connor, the Director of Student Advocacy for Fynanz, Inc.