Can you review my college essay please?
The question
Here’s the question:
Imagine you have graduated from Temple University. You are preparing to attend your 10-year reunion, and the alumni office has questioned you to write a one-page essay about your personal and professional actions since graduation. What would yours say? OR Please tell us more about yourself. Relate one or more experiences or conditions that have contributed to your personal and/or academic development. If you have been out of school for a year or longer, please discuss your activities during that period of time.
Here’s my essay, I did it unorthodoxly on purpose to catch the admissions’ officer’s attention:
It is 2026 and Temple University is holding their annual ten-year reunion for the class of 2016. You are a freshman at the university looking for role models who can teach you a thing or two about moral and personal composition. As you walk into the Fox School of Business, you overhear a exchange between an alumnus and his former professor. Ironically, the professor is extolling his former student. As you start to eavesdrop, you hear the professor saying, “look at what you have done since you graduated from Temple University: you have a handsome son, you have a lovely wife, you are living in one of the most affluent cities in America, you are the top benefactor for your alma mater, and to top it all off, you are the CEO of PricewaterhouseCoopers! You may not believe this Mike, but I could have predicted this back in 2012.” You are in awe, thinking about all the opportunities that Temple University can offer you.
Right about now, you are probably asking, “Who is this Mike guy?” Well, that happens to be me, Michael Lehigh. After graduating from Temple University with my Masters of Accountancy, I was offered a job at Bank of America, Johnson & Johnson, and PricewaterhouseCoopers. Trying to choose between offers, I remembered what Mr. Jim Van Blunk said when I visited the campus for an open house in November 2011. “Sometimes you just have to do what you like, that’s the only way to make sure you’ll be pleased.” With that advice in mind, I chose to pursue the job offering at PricewaterhouseCoopers, primarily because of my like for, and the versatility of accounting. This choice had to be one of the best of my life. During this period, I visited Rome on a business trip, researched and studied at other huge four accounting firms, and made made additions and facets to different parts of the company. After 5 years of traveling, exploring, and innovating but, my life was augmented in another way: I proposed to my fiancé, also a Temple University graduate, of 3 years. In 2022, my wife and I relocated to Crystal City, Virginia in order to be closer to Washington DC, hoping to increase job opportunities. Just when I thought my happiness could not be heightened anymore, my wife and I welcomed our son, Russell, on December 25.
Nearly as if my life was being scripted, I was presented with even more pleasant news in 2023: I had been promoted to CEO of PricewaterhouseCoopers at the Washington, DC branch. In my first year as CEO, I reached out to the other huge four accounting firms and formed the NISAF, or the National Internship and Erudition of Accounting Firms. The establishment is currently funding over 400,000 college students in America, Japan, and Rome. You may reckon that when one reaches this level or status, that person may lose relations to their roots, but I am fortunate to have avoided that route. In 2024, I was awarded the Conwell Award as Temple University’s top benefactor.
As you can see, Temple University has given me opportunities to work at one of the best companies in the world, to live in one of America’s most opulent cities, and to give back to the same people who were in my shoes not too long along. Most importantly but, Temple University has allowed me to grow as a person, while molding me into a person of fantastic character. I am sure that you will not hesitate to chase the opportunities that Temple University can offer you, and at your class reunion in 2038, you will have a greater tale to tell.
Please critique. Thanks in advance
Best answers:
Can you review my college essay please?
The question
Here’s the question:
Imagine you have graduated from Temple University. You are preparing to attend your 10-year reunion, and the alumni office has questioned you to write a one-page essay about your personal and professional actions since graduation. What would yours say? OR Please tell us more about yourself. Relate one or more experiences or conditions that have contributed to your personal and/or academic development. If you have been out of school for a year or longer, please discuss your activities during that period of time.
Here’s my essay, I did it unorthodoxly on purpose to catch the admissions’ officer’s attention:
It is 2026 and Temple University is holding their annual ten-year reunion for the class of 2016. You are a freshman at the university looking for role models who can teach you a thing or two about moral and personal composition. As you walk into the Fox School of Business, you overhear a exchange between an alumnus and his former professor. Ironically, the professor is extolling his former student. As you start to eavesdrop, you hear the professor saying, “look at what you have done since you graduated from Temple University: you have a handsome son, you have a lovely wife, you are living in one of the most affluent cities in America, you are the top benefactor for your alma mater, and to top it all off, you are the CEO of PricewaterhouseCoopers! You may not believe this Mike, but I could have predicted this back in 2012.” You are in awe, thinking about all the opportunities that Temple University can offer you.
Right about now, you are probably asking, “Who is this Mike guy?” Well, that happens to be me, Michael Lehigh. After graduating from Temple University with my Masters of Accountancy, I was offered a job at Bank of America, Johnson & Johnson, and PricewaterhouseCoopers. Trying to choose between offers, I remembered what Mr. Jim Van Blunk said when I visited the campus for an open house in November 2011. “Sometimes you just have to do what you like, that’s the only way to make sure you’ll be pleased.” With that advice in mind, I chose to pursue the job offering at PricewaterhouseCoopers, primarily because of my like for, and the versatility of accounting. This choice had to be one of the best of my life. During this period, I visited Rome on a business trip, researched and studied at other huge four accounting firms, and made made additions and facets to different parts of the company. After 5 years of traveling, exploring, and innovating but, my life was augmented in another way: I proposed to my fiancé, also a Temple University graduate, of 3 years. In 2022, my wife and I relocated to Crystal City, Virginia in order to be closer to Washington DC, hoping to increase job opportunities. Just when I thought my happiness could not be heightened anymore, my wife and I welcomed our son, Russell, on December 25.
Nearly as if my life was being scripted, I was presented with even more pleasant news in 2023: I had been promoted to CEO of PricewaterhouseCoopers at the Washington, DC branch. In my first year as CEO, I reached out to the other huge four accounting firms and formed the NISAF, or the National Internship and Erudition of Accounting Firms. The establishment is currently funding over 400,000 college students in America, Japan, and Rome. You may reckon that when one reaches this level or status, that person may lose relations to their roots, but I am fortunate to have avoided that route. In 2024, I was awarded the Conwell Award as Temple University’s top benefactor.
As you can see, Temple University has given me opportunities to work at one of the best companies in the world, to live in one of America’s most opulent cities, and to give back to the same people who were in my shoes not too long along. Most importantly but, Temple University has allowed me to grow as a person, while molding me into a person of fantastic character. I am sure that you will not hesitate to chase the opportunities that Temple University can offer you, and at your class reunion in 2038, you will have a greater tale to tell.
Please critique. Thanks in advance
Best answers:
a few critiques. I was a bit confused in the beginning when you said, ” it’s year xx imagine you are a freshman at temple blabla” then you switch to first person in your second paragraph. I know you did that on purpose, but I don’t reckon it’s excellent. Stick to first person throughout the whole essay. If I was confused, they may be too. Second, you seem to focus on on the career opportunities it’ll provide you. Try to go beyond that and talk about how it’ll change you as a person. ex: the discipline has carried over to your future work life. Or the clubs you joined have made you want to give back to your community in some noteworthy way…these are the things universities want to hear.
other than that, it’s fantastic. Your writing is exceptional
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